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I love baking, but I’ve always steered clear of cupcakes.  They’re not all that exciting as cakes per se, and they were so in vogue a year or so ago that it seemed like the ability to bake a good cupcake was practically a definition of femininity.  Just as all the men were off Fearnley-Whittingstalling themselves a newly caught fish or freshly gralloched deer, what did the women win in 2010’s Food Fashions?  Bloody cupcakes.  Preferably decorated with glitter or flowers or both.  Cupcakes represent all that is damnable about the expectations of women in the 21st century: pretty, sweet, decorative but ultimately bland.

However.  Sometimes only a cupcake will do, and one of those occasions is when you know someone who needs a lot of cheering up.  At the same time, I’m not suddenly going in for sugar flowers.  This is a genre which needs subverting. And in the context of a genre which is associated with the outer sugar shell of femininity, what better than to create cakes in the image of that inner, hidden, vilified part of femaleness, the vulva?  Contrary to what advertising would have us believe (you need to trim that lip! And remove all trace of hair! And while you’re at it, vajazzle and use this odour spray!) vulvas are beautiful and ought to be celebrated.

So here is my guide to creating Cunt Cupcakes.

Step 1: make the cupcakes.  Easy: weigh three eggs, then take equal measures of sugar, butter and flour.  Cream the sugar and butter, then add the eggs, then mix in the flour.  If you want vanilla ones, add a teaspoon of vanilla extract; for chocolate ones add a tablespoon of cocoa powder.  Bake at 180C for 20 minutes or at 150C for 30 minutes.  (The lower temperature is meant to stop them from rising unevenly and getting those annoying ‘dome’ tops.)

Step 2:  cut off those annoying ‘dome’ tops.Cupcakes with domes cut off

You should now have something that looks like this.

You’re now ready to decorate them.  Make sure they’re cool before you start, or your buttercream will melt.

Make up some buttercream: 75g butter to 175g icing sugar, and a drop of pink food colouring which will create a pleasing ‘flesh tone’ sort of colour (assuming that your flesh is actually the colour of Marks & Sparks flesh tone tights, which most people’s is not.)

Step 3:  spread each cake with a moderate layer of buttercream.  This is for the fondant icing to stick to, NOT to decorate it, so don’t get too fussed about crumbs in it or unevenness.

Step 4:  take a packet of fondant icing and break off about two thirds.  Add several drops of pink food colouring – or whatever colour you want to use for your outer labia.  Icing with pink food colouringKnead it together so that you get a nice uniform colour, but don’t make it too dark, you want that for your inner labia.  Roll it out and then find a cutter which is the same size as the top of the cupcake, then cut out a circle.

 

Icing folded to make the outer labia

Cut the circle in half, then pick up each semicircle and fold a little underneath so that you create a raised, labial look.

You also need a clitoris: I used Sainsbury’s mini jelly beans, which come in pleasing colours, Jelly beansand are vegetarian.

 

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Materials for making the outer labia and clitoris.

 

 

 

Step 5: take the leftover fondant icing from around the circles you’ve cut out, and add some more food colouring, and knead it until you’ve got the colour you want for your inner labia.  Then take small balls of it in your hands, flatten them, and mould your inner labia.  Tuck them in carefully.  You may well have a gap, in which case you can fill this in with more icing to prevent it looking odd.

Step 6: Decoration.  Carefully take a cocktail stick, dip it into your pink food colouring, and draw a little line down the centre, and then push it slightly into the base to make a vaginal opening with a slightly darker colour.  Vajazzle

Vajazzle if you must.  (I used iridescent sugar balls.)

Take a last little bit of buttercream and dab it onto the top of the cupcake, then carefully shake chocolate sprinkles over it (shield the centre with your hand or you’ll be picking sprinkles out of your labia) to create pubic hair.

And voila! – the cunt cupcake.  Enjoy!Twelve cupcakes

 

Set of cupcakes

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