It’s difficult sometimes to find the words you’re looking for. Especially when arguing on the internet: it’s all too easy to reach for the language of the playground, call someone an imbecile (or a bitch or a slag or gay or pretty much any insult you’ve ever learned) only to find that the person you’d intended to insult didn’t care, while you’ve inadvertently offended an entire segment of the population.
Because racially loaded terms are so broadly unacceptable, you rarely see them online (I acknowledge that as a white woman I’m less likely to see them as they’re less likely to be used at me). Racist arguments are another story, but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone use a racial pejorative as an insult. But sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and ableist insults are ten-a-penny. “That’s gay” “That’s lame” “You bitch” “Stupid bastard” – we hear these so frequently that they go almost unheard. Tom Harris MP recently tweeted “What a hero! Fearless protester chucks an egg at EdM and runs away. Like a girl. Throws like a girl too.” His intended insult (to the egg-thrower) was insulting to women everywhere as he implied that weakness and cowardice were feminine traits. The shitstorm that he deserved never happened, because we just accept these sorts of things as normal.
I’ve been trying to eliminate -isms from my insults. (That is not the same as trying to eliminate insults from my speech, which is an entirely different thing.) But if I call Tom Harris MP a bastard for his tweet, what do I achieve? I imply that his mother was sexually promiscuous – that’s an insult to women who have premarital sex, not an insult to him. If I call him a moron, I don’t insult him but the thousands of people who have learning disabilities and to whom that word is applied without jest. (Ditto retard, and yes it is cheating to disguise the word by using ‘fucktard’ or worse, ‘mongtard.’)
So here is my guide to politically correct insults, for when you absolutely have to tell someone what you think of them but would prefer not to insult innocent bystanders for their race, sex, sexuality, or disability.
Step 1: Take any of the following adjectives (or pick your own):
Fucking, flatulent, stenchworthy, ignorant, asshatted, smug
Step 2: Combine with an insult formed of one word from List 1 and one word from List 2.
| List 1 | List 2 |
| Piss | Weasel |
| Cock | Nugget |
| Arse | Monkey |
| Fuck | Muppet |
| Douche | Nozzle |
| Tit | Womble |
| Git | Wizard |
| Ass | Guppy |
| Spooge | Weevil |
| Swamp | Puppet |
Not all of these will work perfectly together, but pissweasel, cockwomble, and gitwizard are good combinations. Experiment: random monosyllabic words and random amusing two syllable words go together well. And voila: your perfect PC insult.
I think douche and nozzle or any other combo and douch need to be left out of your list.
Calling someone a douche is basically all about saying how gross vaginas are.
It’s always felt sexist to me…..anyone agree?
That’s an interesting one. I have no problem with douche being used as an insult because it seems to me more a reference to dirty bathwater than a vagina-specific insult. But I can see how it could be construed as sexist, so perhaps better avoided.
The only combo I would definitely avoid would be ‘cockmonkey’ because although it’s two random words on the insult generator, it sounds like a homophobic insult.
Yeah, I feel the same, and try and avoid the word as an insult.
On the other hand, though – usually, anyone I want to describe as a “douche” is generally pointless (if not actively detrimental) to women, but still spends most of their time convincing women it is of utmost social importance that he be applied *immediately* to their vaginas.
Given my (admittedly theoretic) understanding of douches, it doesn’t seem far off.
I love you two
The Charlotte who’s commented here isn’t the same Charlotte you know, Kirst! Unsolicited declarations of love might unnerve her…
Or it might cheer her up. Maybe I love *all* Charlottes…
I think list 2 would be improved by the addition of words such as spanner, wrench, hammer, flange etc. You cockspanner.
Hey
I was planning on writing a similar post for my blog today – do you mind if I give you a shout out via a link? Brilliant article!
Please do!
I’ve just remembered that a forum I use has a Creative Swear Thread, where each day we have a different category of words to use. One day was kitchen utensils. I give you nipplefork, spunkblender and arseleanmeangrillingmachine. Mechanical terms was my favourite – spunkflange, fuckvalve, wankspanner, wankplunger, tossbracket, fuckhammer.
I think you win the internet.
By Charlotte’s logic calling someone a spunkflange is offensive to men as it implies spunk is gross. How dare you Kirsten! A little more sensitivity please!
Nah, but I’m a close second.
I use tossbiscuit on regular occasions